oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I deserve this hangover.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
