Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
