I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
