She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
