Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Woke up backwards on a recliner
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
