she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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