Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
