So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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