HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
and you fell through a lawn chair
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
