No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
