He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
