She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I met the friendliest cop last night
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
