Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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