I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
