everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
