you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
