It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
