highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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