I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
