I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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