I hope mine doesn't look like that
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
