He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
