i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
