I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
