OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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