Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
