Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize
