I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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