hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
