life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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