Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
