New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
no you cant smoke seaweed
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
