I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
A+ Viking dick
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
