if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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