went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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