yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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