i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
