i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
