The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
