ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
