Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
