why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
