wrigley field is MILF paradise
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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