he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
