Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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