I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
3 2 1 whiskey
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Randomize
