I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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