chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
