so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
