i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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