I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
