Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
