I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
4 words: hood of his car
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
