I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
