everyone is single if you try hard enough
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize