you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
